Senseless Solutions

A sneak peek at BP’s next marketing campaign!

2010-06-01T14:03:00.001-07:00

The Marketing Research Department of Senseless Solutions has uncovered this upcoming marketing campaign from BP!

[Heartwarming music begins to play]
At BP, we take our responsibilities to our planet seriously. We’re as committed to the environment as the next mega oil company, and have poured millions of dollars into marketing to tell you so. The recent tragedy in the Gulf of Mexico is as important to us as it is to lawmakers and citizens alike.

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill is truly a tragedy of catastrophic proportion. It will affect our bottom line, as millions upon millions of dollars will be lost—at least until we jack up gas prices in the third quarter and recover our losses and probably make a tidy profit too. In the meantime, we’d like to remind you, the concerned consumer, that BP is doing everything possible to earn your trust.

Yeah right.

Okay, babe, let’s get serious for one second. Yeah, we hear you bitching non-stop about how our reckless offshore drilling and total disregard for the environment has led to this disaster. Hell, a bunch of deaf old farts could hear you tree hugging little bitches, the way you’re, like, “Oh, boo hoo, the big bad oil company is raping our environment again, boo hoo, I’m a little bitch!” But you know what? We honestly don’t give a shit.

Sure, we’ll tell the morons you elected into office that we’re, like, so sorry. But want to know the truth? You know, aside from the fact that those same politicians are later giving us hand jobs in our penthouse suites? The truth is we’re actually happy this happened! Cos this means there’s going to be less gas available this summer, and you know what that means! Supply and demand, baby, supply and demand! Or what you dumbfucks call $5-a-gallon gasoline.

Oh wait, what’s that? You’re going to boycott us? You’re going to stop buying gas from BP stations? Oooooo!!! Give us a second while we shit our pants in fear…or from laughing so fuckin’ hard. Okay, seriously, you’re going to boycott us? Uh-huh. And we’re, like, donating $1 billion to solar power research. Bitch, please. Just wait till your cheap ass drives by a BP station that’s selling unleaded for .4 cents cheaper than those Shell assholes across the street. You’ll be telling all your dumbfuck Facebook friends that you found a cheaper gas station while filling up your tank like a little two-timing, boycott-betraying whore. Yeah, nice boycott, asshole! You’ll actually be MAKING us more money!

Oh wait, what was that again? That you’re really serious about this and you’re going to stop driving gas-powered cars? Oooooooooooo! Well, why don’t you go buy yourself an ELECTRICAL CAR? You know, the ones we’ve been keeping off the market for decades because we’ve still got trillions to fleece off you little fucks with smog-happy, gas-powered clunkers? Oh wait, wait, better yet, go on and buy yourself that solar-powered car, tough guy. You know, the one that DOESN’T EXIST? Yeah, we’ll see you at the Hummer dealership, asswipe.

Oh, sorry, we didn’t hear that last part because we were too busy laughing. You say you’re going to start riding a bike around? Uh-huh. See how that goes the first time you take a 15-minute bike ride to the local supermarket, tubby. You’ll be crawling back into your 14-mpg SUV faster than you can say “double bacon cheeseburger with beer-battered onion rings and a large vanilla shake with hot fudge and a side of congealed pig vomit,” bitch. While you’re at it, why don’t you drive over to the storage unit to drop off that treadmill you stopped using three weeks after you bought it?

So yeah, BP takes this oil spill seriously, cos that’s next month’s fleet of Learjets that’s spilling into the gulf right now. No worries, though, cos we’ll get it all back thanks to you. Now why don’t you stop looking so horrified and indignant and go back to playing bingo on Facebook or something? See you at the gas pump, loser!

BP: you need our gas, so shut the fuck up and go fuck yourself.

[Heartwarming music fades out]

What the “Got Milk” tagline almost was!

2010-04-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

The Marketing Research Department of Senseless Solutions uncovered another secret memo, this one from Goodby Silverstein & Partners, the ad agency that came up with the super-successful and oft-imitated “Got Milk” slogan for the California Milk Processor Board. These are never-seen-before slogans they were considering, and comments from their executive leadership!

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Dear Team:
This has been a challenging project, so kudos to you for working so hard and coming up with some great slogans for the milk people. See below for our comments:

Milk: it’s good for you – True, but bland. Next thing you know, we’ll be saying speed kills, sex is bad, and the Oakland Raiders suck.

Just like the stuff you sucked from your mom’s breasts, only tastier – While I’m glad Glen followed our suggestion and switched out the word ‘boobies’ for ‘breasts’, I thought we already said this is too disgusting and wrong.

25% of the world’s (mostly Northern European) population can’t be wrong! – We’re trying to get people to drink milk! And sharing the fact that 75% of the world is lactose intolerant isn't going to help us do that, is it? You didn’t see the Soylent Green people announcing their secret ingredient to the world, did you?

If you drink milk, Renee Zellweger will like you! – Okay, I think I’m done with that Senseless Solutions consultant. Tell him to take a hike.

Mi.I.Go.F.Yo.Bo. – I know we said we wanted a nice, concise, sharp, to-the-point slogan, but this is just cryptic. It’s either saying Milk Is Good For Your Bones, or Mike Is Gonna F*** Your Booty.

Milk: It won’t rot your teeth like that crap those Coke and Pepsi bastards produce. – This might work, except for the fact that we’re doing some ads for Coke and Pepsi next week. Scratch it.

Milk: It’s white, so you know it’s good. – I don’t think I’m being too PC when I say that this could land us in some trouble.

If Lincoln had drank milk to strengthen his bones and skull, he’d still be alive today. – I can’t even begin to count the number of things that are factually and morally wrong with this one.

Milk. Whatever. Eat me. – I take it John is still disgruntled? On an unrelated note, we need to let go of some people next week.

Tiger Woods drinks milk. It’s why he’s a perfect human being. – This could work! I mean, Tiger Woods is pure, wants to be white, and wholesome! He's a role model whom kids and faithful husbands could look up to and emulate! Put this one down as one of the finalists!

Milk: Because corn flakes don’t taste as good with whiskey. – Like I said, we need to let go of some people next week…

Milk: it’s nature’s semen (and we mean that non-profanely) – Oh dear god, I don’t even know what to say about this. The slogan is bad enough. But the art you guys came up with for this is outright disturbing.

Do you, kind sir, happen to have in your possession some milk, which, by all accounts, is a hearty, viable, bone-strengthening drink that, though naturally unpleasant for 75% of the world’s population, which is lactose intolerant, is still great, especially with coffee, a donut, cereal, or some strawberry Quik, or should I run to the store so that I may, in the end, be in possession myself of this fine natural concoction we know as milk and be ready to answer in the affirmative should anyone approach me and ask if I have got any milk in my possession? – Call me crazy, but I think this could work if we could find a way of dramatically shortening this. If we could distill this to two or three words, what would it be?

Strawberry Quik? – Wrong two words.

Leveled up in Farmville or Mafia Wars? Tell your friends…the permanent way.

2010-04-14T11:13:00.000-07:00

Tired of your friends blocking your minute-by-minute Farmville and Mafia Wars updates? Do you feel your friends just aren’t getting the importance of your recent leveling up? Do you feel slighted that all your green sheep and drug shipment gifts are being ignored by your ingrate friends?

Share your successes and gifts with them all—whether they like it or not.

At Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services, we specialize in promoting every single one of your Farmville and Mafia Wars achievement. Our method is simple: we’ll personally share your achievements with your friends—at home, at work, in the bathroom, during sex, and anywhere else they think they’re safe. Whether you’ve just become a Level 24 Farmer or a Master Enforcer, whether you’ve just planted a new crop of soy beans or taken out a rival mafia crew, whether you want to give the gift of a lima-bean-producing cow or a Christmas-themed Tommy Gun, Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services will spread the word. Everywhere and to everyone.

Here’s how it works:

A dedicated team of Intrusive Promotion Specialists (IPS) will stalk each and every one of your friends.
When you have a Farmville or Mafia Wars announcement, they’ll go right up to your friends and share it. (*For a small additional cost, our specialists will use a bullhorn, a marching band, or a pyrotechnics show to really get their attention.)
When you have a Farmville or Mafia Wars gift to give, our team will make sure they accept it—even if it means literally dropping a Magic Donkey or a Tiger Tank at a friend’s door.

And it doesn’t stop there! To ensure your friends know how important and relevant your updates are, our IPS units will follow your friends around and repeat your announcements as often and as loudly as necessary throughout the day. In addition, a non-stop stream of unblockable e-mail and phone updates will be sent straight to their home, work, and emergency e-mails and phone numbers.

Just imagine! All your friends knowing about each and every one of your updates, no matter where they are or how hard they try to block you!

Did your friend jump in the shower? Well, they can’t very well block an IPS team bursting into the bathroom to holler that you’re now a Master Thief, can they?
Did your friend leave the country in the hopes of getting away from you? Our International IPS Division operates in every country and territory—even the ones you don’t know about!
Did your friend put out a restraining order against you? No problem! Specialized Blimp IPS units will hover safely and legally above your friend’s home, workplace, and psychiatrist’s office, announcing that you’ve just harvested your newest batch of green beans!
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Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services is ready to take your gaming and your announcements to the next level. Call today, and start telling your friends about every single one of your Farmville and Mafia Wars achievements—permanently!

Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services – Promoting your gaming achievements and not the fact that you don’t have a life

Instant acquittals for any crime—guaranteed! (As seen on TV)

2010-04-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

Have you committed a terrible crime? Are you being charged for drug possession, sexual assault, or murder? Thinking of hiring a lawyer to help you avoid prison and land a cushy 2-week probation period? Don’t! Get out of trouble the same way celebrities and Pittsburgh Steelers do with Instant Celebrity Implementation and Legal Circumvention Services!

At ICILCS, we help you rise above the law by transforming you into a celebrity or sports star overnight! Why bother going through the legal process like any regular Joe who can actually be locked up for life or even executed? Get the legal protection and immunity enjoyed by all your favorite stars and thumb your nose at the legal system!

With ICILCS, you’ll have the star power to get away with murder—literally! Here’s how it works:

Give us a call and tell us what you’re being accused of (e.g., drug possession, drug trafficking, sexual assault, murder, mass killing spree). Don’t worry, we won’t judge you!
Within 24 hours, our creative specialists will have media packets, talk-show interviews, sports highlights (if applicable), your own sports drink, and even your own cell phone ad created and disseminated throughout the world.
With your instant celebrity status achieved, you can hire out any of the industry’s best celebrity lawyers who specialize in high-profile clients.
Watch in amazement as all charges are dropped, all evidence vanishes, and all witnesses are discredited and humiliated!
Finally, our Tearful Apologies Team will craft a five-minute apology for your ensuing press conference, and teach you how to muster the most convincing crocodile tears to ensure you also win in the court of public opinion.

Best of all, for the duration of your legal circumvention process, you can be any celebrity you want! Want to be a Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback? No problem! How about a point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers? Sure thing! You’ll be the best—and get the best from the legal system!

ICILCS is the fastest way of getting out of any legal trouble—guaranteed! Forget the traditional, peasant’s legal process and rise above the law today! Call now and get a free “Slap on the Wrist” Card for use with your next minor misdemeanor (e.g., DUI, vehicular manslaughter)!

Instant Celebrity Implementation and Legal Circumvention Services – Bringing the Power and Immunity of Celebrity Stardom to the Little People

A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Five

2010-04-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

From: Vice President of Marketing, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: The final approved version of the new biohazard symbol

Like, yo, yo, yo! Wazzup?

So, okay, I know you guys worked really hard on this biohazard redesign project, and I know I said that your last version was TOP NOTCH. Tell your team SIMPLY AWESOME AND INCOMPARABLE JOB on all their hard work and for getting this done! You guys really hit the mark over and over and over again!

But, okay, remember how I said that Scott was going to take a stab at it? Well, we’re going with his version, which we all think is incredible and totally innovative and it’s totally what we see winning that federal contract for us.

The thing is, the final version you submitted was too busy, and there was just too much going on. The messaging just wasn’t on target, and we felt that the whole “this is bad for you” messaging was going to scare off prospective consumers. Well, the short of it is, your final draft just didn’t capture the essence of what we were trying to accomplish with this radical new redesign.

Scott’s draft is amazing. See for yourself.
This is a lot cleaner, but it’s a lot edgier and the R-bulb really softens this and makes those pointy things look un-Satanic. The absence of an attractive male keeps my sexual conflict at bay, and the purity and beauty of Renee Zellweger really drives home the point that biohazardous stuff is best avoided—and doing so can lead to great rewards. Like bling and babes. Which is the point of the “Bling” word, which everyone will be able to infer all this proper meaning from.

Scott feels that this version really speaks to the key demographic (young, male, frivolous) we want to reach, and because he’s executive vice president of domestic operations, we all think he is a genius. A real genius. He makes Einstein look like my stupid teenage son. In fact, compared to him, we are all pathetic, impotent wastes of oxygen, and we can all try to emulate Scott’s god-like genius in the future. That means your department.

So congratulations on wrapping this project up! Tell everyone that they did a MIRACLE SUPER DUPER JOB ALMOST AS GOOD AS SCOTT (but obviously not quite), and that they all deserve raises (if only our budget allowed it after executive bonuses). And tell them I can’t wait to see what you guys come up with on that Going Green project!

I’m off tomorrow to go to Washington to make the main presentation. We’re all certain this redesign is going to win us that federal contract and help us get closer to that second slot!

Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
“Dedicated to becoming the second most inept creative agency.”

THE END

Miss any parts?
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part One
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Two
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Three
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Four

A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Four

2010-03-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

From: Vice President of Marketing, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: Feedback for final version of Biohazard redesign

Yo!

Thanks to you and your team for all your super hard work in getting this biohazard redesign project finalized! We’re so thrilled that you’ve worked so hard at incorporating our changes into a design that I’m CERTAIN will win us that account with the federal government! Scott really thought this final version hit the mark across the board. So tell your team SUPER FANTASTIC JOB!

Okay, so we all loved this final draft, but we’ve got just a few more changes we’re considering.

The good thing is that this version really hits the target demographic we want, because we all know that there’s no one quite as gullible as young skateboarders. The problem is that this kid looks a bit unkempt, and maybe a bit of a troublemaker. I see this kid, and I bet he’s the kind of dumbass who thinks shopping for stuff is something only popular kids and sellouts do. Something tells me this kid is going to be a nihilist or a Unabomber or something really dangerous when he grows up, and that’s not the image we want to associate with biohazardous materials. So if you can switch out the image to a guy who’s a bit less dangerous-looking and maybe a little more effeminate, we should be good to go. (But not too effeminate, please. You know what that’ll lead to.)

We absolutely LOVE the messaging here! Man, that’s some hip, rad stuff you guys laid thick here, and it’s totally in my face! I love it! The only problem is that the main message—that biohazardous stuff is dangerous—is too prominent here, and I don’t know where that is, but it’s not in my face. Have the copywriters take out that Debbie Downer stuff. We’re trying to win a contract here, not perform a public service.

Scott is glad you guys incorporated the sex-sells approach he’s been clamoring for, but he’s wondering if that black woman (what’s her name? Bounce? Booyah? Beeyatch?) is the babe we should feature in that callout. Is she even considered sexy? Scott says that he thinks Renee Zellweger is a lot sexier, so use her instead. Personally, I think that Rene Russo would be better (I LOVED her in Rocky and Bullwinkle), but Scott was pretty adamant about using Zellweger.

One more thing. While it’s fantastic that you guys found a way to incorporate all our changes and suggestions, Scott thinks this is a bit too busy. He may take a stab at doing his own version, so don’t be surprised if this final draft ends up not being in our main presentation to the government folks next week.

Other than that, SUPER FANTASTIC JOB! You and your team are really nailed this, so now that we’re wrapping up, you can start giving us some samples of our new Going Green campaign.

Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
“Dedicated to becoming the second most inept creative agency.”

Does your public image need to be roundhouse-kicked in the face?

2010-03-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

When people hear your name, do they yawn? Do they go, “Who?” Do they snicker and berate your manhood/womanhood/mulehood? Then maybe it’s time you brought in the best person alive to snap-kick your existing image in the face and turn you into a living legend overnight!

The Chuck Norris Public Relations Firm is the number one public relations firm ever devised by a living entity. Founded by the man who counted to infinity twice and who ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King—and got one—the Chuck Norris Public Relations Firm guarantees a swift side kick to your lackluster public image and get you the kind of respect Chuck Norris gets (almost).

Whether you’re an actor trying to land that next big leading role, an administrative assistant who’s tired of your incompetent boss, or a merry-go-round operator who’s decided that things just got personal, the Chuck Norris Public Relations Firm can turn you into the fearsome badass who’ll strike mortal fear into all your enemies, friends, and loved ones.

Imagine the power of Chuck Norris working for you! What will people say about you?

It takes [your name] 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
[Your name] CAN believe it’s not butter.
[Your name] does not sleep. He/she/it waits.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for [your name].
[Your name] can make women/men/Donkey Kong climax by simply pointing at them and saying “Booyah.”

Don’t spend another day as a nobody. Harness the power of the man who played Russian Roulette with a loaded gun and won, and roundhouse-kick your insignificant existence in the teeth today!

The Chuck Norris Public Relations Firm: Because Chuck Norris Makes Everything, Even Death, Better

Ever wonder what Best Buy® was almost named?

2010-03-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

The Marketing Research Department of Senseless Solutions uncovered this secret memo from the Marketing Department of Best Buy®! These are never-seen-before names they were considering for their stores, and comments from their executive leadership!

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Dear Team:
Thanks for your hard work on developing these names for our soon-to-be-open-for-business big-box electronics store. We’ve reviewed these finalists. See below for comments.

Decent Buy – Not sure that this is strong enough, and sounds slightly Puritanical.

Promising Purchase – Not sure the acronym is going to be all that helpful to us.

Super House of Incomparable Technology – Yeah, speaking of acronym awareness…

Only Dumbasses Shop Elsewhere – I know we wanted edgy, but insulting the customer is too edgy.

Electronics At the Best Prices, No Matter What Those A-holes at ABC Warehouse Say – Not catchy enough, and won’t fit into the yellow tag logo we’ve already decided on.

Machiavellian Electronics Supplier Driving Smaller Stores Out of Business – Fire whoever came up with this immediately.

Soaring Pastures of Digital Lament – For the last time, tell John to not bring his problems or his Walt Whitman/James Joyce crap to the workplace.

All Nude Electronics Review – For the last time, tell Mike that we’ve moved away from the sex-sells approach after that digital camera fiasco.

You’re Not Getting As Good a Buy As You Think Thanks to Our Conniving Markup Strategy – For the last time, tell Mary that the truth-in-our-advertising memo was an April Fool’s joke.

Big Store with TVs and Stuff – Let me guess. This came from that consultant, the same one who suggested, “Big Building With Lots of DVDs and Stuff.” Right?

Like a Supermarket, But With CDs and Stuff - How much are we paying this consultant again?

Good Buy – Sounds too much like ‘good bye’, which might drive customers away from the store, which would be bad for our first quarter earnings report.

Better Buy – We’re getting close. Is there any way we can ratchet this one up?

Crappy Buy – Okay, see, this just isn’t going to work.

The Hottest Copywriting Prospect in Years

2010-03-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

(And now, for a little bit of shameless self-promotion... ^_^)

Next on ESPN (Employment Services and Professional Network), we discuss this year’s crop of available copywriters and communications experts, and Nel Kyper Jr. breaks down this year’s hottest prospect!

Teams looking to fill a hole or upgrade at the copywriting position should look no further than Ulises Silva out of the University of Michigan. Silva is a once-in-a-lifetime prospect who brings serious credentials, a diverse set of skills, and all the intangibles a team needs to build a championship marketing department.

During his career in Michigan, Silva wowed scouts and employers alike with his dazzling speed in the 40 (projects a week), completing 99% of his tough turnaround projects on or ahead of schedule. As a copywriting starter for his former creative services department, Silva posted impressive stats that included over 2000 projects completed, several winning taglines for national campaigns, and the successful rebranding of three major service lines.

Silva similarly impressed his peers with his writing versatility, which allowed him to write effective, empathetic copy for any demographic across multiple fields and disciplines. Silva, a novelist by trade who’s published one novel (Solstice) and looking to publish a second (Inventing Vazquez), brings a unique approach to marketing communications by weaving effective copy points into engaging narratives that people will actually want to read. He was especially effective in Michigan with technical writing, where he’d often employ pinpoint humor to engage and interest readers on otherwise difficult topics. Silva has spent his off-season continuing to hone his talent by blogging, working on his third novel, writing for Ferndale Friends, and volunteering with his local karate studio.

As far as intangibles go, Silva brings them all to the table. He’s poised, creative, and demonstrated leadership during presentations to executive leadership and when managing group projects. He’s also reliable, extremely dedicated and loyal, and undertakes every project with quiet, confident professionalism. As a day-to-day member of a team, Silva brings humor and quirk into the fold, as well as musical skills on guitar, bass, and drums to liven up any company outing.

Teams are already looking to trade up in this year’s draft to select Silva. He won’t last past the top 3 picks, possibly falling to your company in the two-slot.

A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Three

2010-03-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

From: Vice President of Marketing, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: Biohazard Project Concept Feedback for New Draft

Hey,

Thanks to you and your team for getting this next draft done so quickly. Scott really felt that this next draft for the biohazard project hit the mark. Tell your team AWESOME JOB!

Okay, so we all loved this new draft, but we’ve got a couple of changes we’d like for you to make.
This is definitely the least Satanic and hippest version, and that’s great, even though the guy in the picture is kind of hot and made me a little less comfortable with my heterosexuality, which could be a problem. But besides that, we felt that this guy is a bit on the meterosexual side, and we were thinking this might not appeal to our target audience of industrial workers. So maybe we need a guy who’s a little more rugged or blue-collar to get this message across.

Also, we’re a bit concerned that we’re not going to draw in the best demographics with this version. As you know, the ideal demographic to draw in are younger Generation Y, Z, and Facebook crowds, and this draft just isn’t hitting the mark for them. Maybe we need to go with a hipper messaging style to get across to them?

We’re also not crazy about the font you used. It’s bold, but it’s also a bit on the science fiction side of things, and we all know that science fiction is for nerds, which isn’t the demo we want to hit. Can you use a different font that’s bolder, edgier, hipper, and more conservative than this one? Also, something that stands out to racing enthusiasts would be terrific.

Speaking of which, we also think the message itself is a bit off. While we appreciate what the copywriters tried doing here, we feel the main message is getting lost somehow. After all, would this poster make you want to avoid biohazardous materials? That’s right, it would, but we also want the user to feel like we’ve connected with them to the point that they’d want to be our friend on Facebook. Any chance you can tighten the messaging so that users will immediately go to Facebook and become fans of our page?

Oh, and Scott was a bit displeased that this still doesn’t have sex appeal. Can you add more sex appeal? Heterosexual sex appeal, by the way, because like I said, this guy is too hot for my tastes, and I really don’t want to feel conflicted about my sexuality again.

Other than that, AWESOME JOB! You and your team are really nailing this, and I can’t wait to see what you guys do with our upcoming Going Green intiative!

Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
“Dedicated to becoming the second most inept creative agency.”

How will your next military campaign be remembered by history and Facebook?

2010-03-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

You’re about to launch a new offensive to wipe out the bad guys. You need a killer, catchy name for your campaign. But you’re worried that Operation Blood and Guts Slaughterhouse just isn’t catchy enough—and not to mention, it scares the daylights out of the locals. So you change it to Operation Happy Fluffy Bunnies, but that just emboldens your enemies further. Before you know it, you have to cancel your operation altogether because you can’t get your messaging right, and then the terrorists have truly won.

When you’re trying to devise effective battlefield marketing to keep your target audience happy while keeping your actual targets dead in your sights, it’s time to call in the specialists: Advanced Rhetorical Services and Euphemisms. At ARSE, our staff of writers, creative consultants, and marketing gurus work to create the perfect marketing and promotional strategy for your next campaign. Our goal: to help you strike the fear of the gods into your enemies, while keeping the locals and the population feeling really good about what you’re doing.

ARSE offers comprehensive battlefield marketing expertise, and has a proven track record of successful marketing campaigns that have won hearts and ripped others out. You might have heard of:

Operation Bloodex, which sounded really trendy and high-tech to civilians, and really ominous to insurgents.
Operation Excelsior Pursuit of Corporeal Displacement into Transcendentalism, which totally confused insurgents and locals alike.
Operation Valiant Crusader Extreme, which helped sell an anti-insurgency operation to locals while appealing to the coveted 18-34 male demographic.
Operation We Love the Locals So Much, We’re Ready to Kill for Them, which also helped boost local Valentine’s Day card sales while ridding an area of enemy combatants.
Operation If You’re Cool With Us, You Have Nothing to Worry About, Unless You’re, Like, Hiding In the Hills, You Know, the Ones Our B-2s Are Ready to Bomb Into Another Dimension, FYI, which featured a really catchy jingle performed by Randy Newman.

Don’t lose the war or the hearts of the population! Take your battlefield marketing to the next level with Advanced Rhetorical Services and Euphemisms today!

Advanced Rhetorical Services and Euphemisms: If you love freedom and America, you’ll use our services.

Is character development getting in the way of your next blockbuster?

2010-03-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

You’ve got a blockbuster to film. You’ve got studio executives breathing down your neck demanding a moneymaker. You’ve got an all-star cast and an army of CGI special effects wizards. You’re ready to produce the next 2012.

And then, the unimaginable happens: your characters start to manifest complexity, depth, and even plausibility, threatening to steal the show from your $200 billion worth of special effects!

When pesky character development and believable plot elements threaten your CGI-bloated masterpiece, Roland Emmerich’s Plot Thinner will help you get back on track! Simply apply three drops, and watch as all your characters become two-dimensional caricatures, and all your plot elements become trite and predictable! Using a patented formula guaranteed to defy believability and common sense, Roland Emmerich’s Plot Thinner is proven to get results! Again (Indepedence Day), and again (The Day After Tomorrow), and again (2012)! Amazing!

Don’t let unimportant character development or plausibility get in the way of your special-effects-laden blockbuster! Use Roland Emmerich’s Plot Thinner today!

Roland Emmerich’s Plot Thinner, from the makers of Uwe Boll’s Who Needs Talent to Direct a Film? Patches, now available in cheweables.

Want to save money? Visit Joe’s Used Toothbrush Depot!

2010-03-09T10:27:00.000-08:00

Trying to figure out how to squeeze every penny out of your already stretched budget? Worried that you’ll come up a few dollars short on your next rent payment? Trying to decide what frivolous luxury (food, heat, or healthcare) to eliminate from your monthly expenses? Don’t! Save a bundle by stopping by Joe’s Used Toothbrush Depot today!

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Forget the wasteful packaging of new, sanitary dental hygiene products. Visit Joe’s Used Toothbrush Depot today, and receive a free gently used teeth whitening strip (while supplies last).

And don’t miss the grand opening of our new sister store, Kleenex for Less!

A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Two

2010-03-06T07:52:00.001-08:00

From: Vice President of Marketing, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: Biohazard Project Concept Feedback

Hello,

I got feedback from the rest of the executive leaders regarding this project, and we’re generally pleased with this concept. Scott felt this is a much more benign and less Satanic version of the biohazard symbol. Tell your team GREAT JOB!
But when we were looking at this, a couple of us thought that it’s too girly, which would make the company look gay, and we can’t have that (by the way, great job on the “Diversity is Awesome” ads you guys just completed). So if you can make this a little more masculine and less fruity, that would be great.

Also, we were thinking that this isn’t edgy enough. The wings kind of date this and make the company seem like a fairy, and we can’t have that. So if you could maybe make it edgier so that younger non-gay males find this powerful, that would be great. Make it really in-your-face…but not gay in-your-face because that would really make me squeamish.

Oh, and try to make it bolder. The old logo was too wimpy, and I think this one kind of is too. We want something that’s really bold and edgy and sharp. But not too sharp because it might look too Satanic again.

And, oh, try to add some sex appeal. Like I said, this is too girly, but if you can make it a little sexy so that the biohazard symbol attracts the female demographic, that would be great.

Other than that, GREAT JOB! And can’t wait to see your concepts for the company’s new tagline!

Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
Dedicated to becoming the second most inept creative agency.

The perfect gift for the text-driver in your life

2010-03-06T07:20:00.000-08:00

What do you give to that special person in your life who text messages while driving? How do you tell them that you love them…but, for the sake of all that is holy, please stop texting while driving because it’s been proven to be worse than drunk driving and endangers not only you but everyone else on the road with you, so please use some %)@($@ common sense?

Give that special someone the gift of Common Sense.

Common Sense makes the perfect gift for the text-driver. Show them you care by giving them the gift of basic reasoning, so that they can plainly understand for themselves that driving on busy roads while keeping their eyes and attention on a little handheld gadget is inherently dangerous and stupid. Our Common Sense is artfully sculpted by Rational artisans and features an elegant “Well Duh” design that’ll make your special someone see the light at last.

Don’t wait until your loved one plows into a truck full of explosives because he was too busy texting, “ROFLMAO, OMG I gotta tell Kat 2nite!” Give them the gift of Common Sense today.

And coming soon in time for the holidays, A Good Smack to the Head, for the text-driver in your life who just won’t listen.

Limited Time Offer: Free Air from Air of Superiority!

2010-03-03T11:28:00.000-08:00

Take a deep breath. Feel good? That’s because you’ve just inhaled air that was specially formulated by Air of Superiority, the most trusted name in air distribution. For more than 10 years, Air of Superiority has supplied air specially formulated to boost your energy, increase your intelligence, and solve your every vitamin deficiency. And with our new Turbo Boost Air Energy Supercharge Molecular Formula, the air you’re breathing now has all the energy of 12 cups of coffee without the sugar crash!

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*The official air provider of the year 2010.

A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part One

2010-03-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

From: Creative Director, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Team, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Re: Biohazard Project

Dear team,
I just got the go-ahead from executive leadership on the biohazard initiative. As you all know, we’re trying to win a government contract by offering to redesign the biohazard symbol.
Here are some of the things our regional executives say about the current logo.

Seems too ominous
The pointy things remind me of devil horns, maybe make something less Satanic
Could be friendlier to appeal to a broader demographic
Needs to be more edgy and more conservative

Moving forward, keep these things in mind as we work to redesign the symbol. Please have concepts to me by the end of the week. The garlic breath mint project is on the shelf for now.

Any questions, please call me or the EAP, preferably the EAP.

Sincerely,
Creative Director

The zombies are coming. Is your home ready?

2010-03-02T11:48:00.000-08:00

According to a study funded by the federal stimulus package, the chances of a zombie apocalypse are now greater than the chances of Congress doing something meaningful. Rampaging hordes of flesh-eating zombies will invade and destroy, consume, and digest all in their path. But is your home ready for the attack?

Are your windows properly boarded up right now?
Is your staircase laced with C4 explosives in case you need to isolate yourself and your family on the upper level?
Are you well-stocked with 4000 tons of Spam and 2000 tons of Twinkies?
Have you minimized the entry points to your house by nailing/welding your doors shut?

At Zombie Attack Prevention Services (ZAPS), we offer comprehensive, best-in-class zombie home defense consultation that can be tailored to your specific needs and sanity levels. Our zombie prevention specialists boast more than 40 years of zombie-film-watching experience, and can:

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Test out the strength of your boarded windows by hurling heavy objects at them
Help you set up multiple lines of defense throughout your home
Share best-practices on dealing with boredom, stress, and insanity while surviving a prolonged apocalypse

The zombies are coming. Show your family you care about them by calling ZAPS today. Call now, and receive a free Monopoly board (which you will be thankful for as you enter Day 4,201 of survival).

For the more intrepid zombie survivalist, please visit Zombie Attack Mall Survival Services, and turn the local mall into your own impenetrable zombie fortress!

Zombie Attack Prevention Services: The only name in zombie apocalypse home defense.

Want to make your iPhone reliable? There's (not) an app for that!

2010-03-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

Say you’re on your iPhone talking to a potential employer about an interview, the call drops for the sixth time, and you want to tear your hair out. There’s an app for that! Say you call back the employer and want to grovel shamelessly at their feet for them to give you the interview despite your crappy phone. There’s an app for that! Say the employer finally calls back, but your iPhone missed the call, sent it straight to voicemail, they give up on you because your phone is so unreliable, and you want to smash your iPhone on the floor into 10,402,492 pieces. There’s an app for that! There’s an app for just about anything (except actually making the iPhone a marginally reliable phone).

The iPhone: 401,593,092 dropped calls, and counting.

Out of unemployment benefits? Just ask Jim!

2010-03-01T11:33:00.000-08:00

Out of unemployment benefits? Still looking for a job while waiting for that economic turnaround everyone’s been promising for the past two years? Concerned about how you’re going to pay your bills now that Senator Jim Bunning has blocked a jobless benefits bill? No problem! Jim Bunning Financial Relief Services® is here to save the day! Jim Bunning Financial Relief Services provides immediate cash relief for unemployed workers and small businesses alike. Need to pay your mortgage or rent on time? Just ask Jim! Need groceries for you and your family? Just ask Jim! Need the kind of healthcare that Jim Bunning enjoys? Just ask Canada!

Jim Bunning Financial Relief Services is ready to put the practical, everyday needs of the American worker ahead of petty partisan politics! Contact Jim Bunning today to request your personal financial bailout!

Jim Bunning Financial Relief Services: Because partisan politics should never take priority over American workers and financial recovery!

Want a long and unnaturally prolonged life?

2010-03-01T11:06:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wished that you could live forever? Have you made promises to Satan that you still need time to complete? Do you want to reap the rewards of a healthcare system that only you and a handful of others can use without going bankrupt? Then try Dick Cheney's Unnatural Life Supplements, now in pill form! With Dick Cheney's Unnatural Life Supplements, you'll have the stamina and unnatural energy to harass and outlast all your enemies—and even survive multiple heart attacks! Forget exercise and healthy eating! Tell the Grim Reaper to “go F itself” with Dick Cheney's Unnatural Life Supplements.

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Guaranteed results, or your money back...to us!

2010-03-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

Are you tired of not knowing what the day will bring? Wishing that you could approach life with a little more certainty? Take command today with federal taxes, the only thing besides death that is 100% certain. Federal taxes are guaranteed to reduce your gross pay, fund questionable government projects at inflated costs, and provide clearly convoluted tax return literature every January. And with Wall Street executive bonuses to fund, federal taxes now have 35% more certainty—which means less money in your pocket and less hair on your head! So the next time you feel a little lost and uncertain about things, trust the certainty and inevitability of federal taxes to get you through anything!

Federal taxes: offering you certainty in a time otherwise devoid of it.