[Heartwarming music begins to play]
At BP, we take our responsibilities to our planet seriously. We’re as committed to the environment as the next mega oil company, and have poured millions of dollars into marketing to tell you so. The recent tragedy in the Gulf of Mexico is as important to us as it is to lawmakers and citizens alike.
The Gulf of Mexico oil spill is truly a tragedy of catastrophic proportion. It will affect our bottom line, as millions upon millions of dollars will be lost—at least until we jack up gas prices in the third quarter and recover our losses and probably make a tidy profit too. In the meantime, we’d like to remind you, the concerned consumer, that BP is doing everything possible to earn your trust.
Yeah right.
Okay, babe, let’s get serious for one second. Yeah, we hear you bitching non-stop about how our reckless offshore drilling and total disregard for the environment has led to this disaster. Hell, a bunch of deaf old farts could hear you tree hugging little bitches, the way you’re, like, “Oh, boo hoo, the big bad oil company is raping our environment again, boo hoo, I’m a little bitch!” But you know what? We honestly don’t give a shit.
Sure, we’ll tell the morons you elected into office that we’re, like, so sorry. But want to know the truth? You know, aside from the fact that those same politicians are later giving us hand jobs in our penthouse suites? The truth is we’re actually happy this happened! Cos this means there’s going to be less gas available this summer, and you know what that means! Supply and demand, baby, supply and demand! Or what you dumbfucks call $5-a-gallon gasoline.
Oh wait, what’s that? You’re going to boycott us? You’re going to stop buying gas from BP stations? Oooooo!!! Give us a second while we shit our pants in fear…or from laughing so fuckin’ hard. Okay, seriously, you’re going to boycott us? Uh-huh. And we’re, like, donating $1 billion to solar power research. Bitch, please. Just wait till your cheap ass drives by a BP station that’s selling unleaded for .4 cents cheaper than those Shell assholes across the street. You’ll be telling all your dumbfuck Facebook friends that you found a cheaper gas station while filling up your tank like a little two-timing, boycott-betraying whore. Yeah, nice boycott, asshole! You’ll actually be MAKING us more money!
Oh wait, what was that again? That you’re really serious about this and you’re going to stop driving gas-powered cars? Oooooooooooo! Well, why don’t you go buy yourself an ELECTRICAL CAR? You know, the ones we’ve been keeping off the market for decades because we’ve still got trillions to fleece off you little fucks with smog-happy, gas-powered clunkers? Oh wait, wait, better yet, go on and buy yourself that solar-powered car, tough guy. You know, the one that DOESN’T EXIST? Yeah, we’ll see you at the Hummer dealership, asswipe.
Oh, sorry, we didn’t hear that last part because we were too busy laughing. You say you’re going to start riding a bike around? Uh-huh. See how that goes the first time you take a 15-minute bike ride to the local supermarket, tubby. You’ll be crawling back into your 14-mpg SUV faster than you can say “double bacon cheeseburger with beer-battered onion rings and a large vanilla shake with hot fudge and a side of congealed pig vomit,” bitch. While you’re at it, why don’t you drive over to the storage unit to drop off that treadmill you stopped using three weeks after you bought it?
So yeah, BP takes this oil spill seriously, cos that’s next month’s fleet of Learjets that’s spilling into the gulf right now. No worries, though, cos we’ll get it all back thanks to you. Now why don’t you stop looking so horrified and indignant and go back to playing bingo on Facebook or something? See you at the gas pump, loser!
BP: you need our gas, so shut the fuck up and go fuck yourself.
[Heartwarming music fades out]
