A sneak peek at BP’s next marketing campaign!

The Marketing Research Department of Senseless Solutions has uncovered this upcoming marketing campaign from BP!

[Heartwarming music begins to play]
At BP, we take our responsibilities to our planet seriously. We’re as committed to the environment as the next mega oil company, and have poured millions of dollars into marketing to tell you so. The recent tragedy in the Gulf of Mexico is as important to us as it is to lawmakers and citizens alike.

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill is truly a tragedy of catastrophic proportion. It will affect our bottom line, as millions upon millions of dollars will be lost—at least until we jack up gas prices in the third quarter and recover our losses and probably make a tidy profit too. In the meantime, we’d like to remind you, the concerned consumer, that BP is doing everything possible to earn your trust.

Yeah right.

Okay, babe, let’s get serious for one second. Yeah, we hear you bitching non-stop about how our reckless offshore drilling and total disregard for the environment has led to this disaster. Hell, a bunch of deaf old farts could hear you tree hugging little bitches, the way you’re, like, “Oh, boo hoo, the big bad oil company is raping our environment again, boo hoo, I’m a little bitch!” But you know what? We honestly don’t give a shit.

Sure, we’ll tell the morons you elected into office that we’re, like, so sorry. But want to know the truth? You know, aside from the fact that those same politicians are later giving us hand jobs in our penthouse suites? The truth is we’re actually happy this happened! Cos this means there’s going to be less gas available this summer, and you know what that means! Supply and demand, baby, supply and demand! Or what you dumbfucks call $5-a-gallon gasoline.

Oh wait, what’s that? You’re going to boycott us? You’re going to stop buying gas from BP stations? Oooooo!!! Give us a second while we shit our pants in fear…or from laughing so fuckin’ hard. Okay, seriously, you’re going to boycott us? Uh-huh. And we’re, like, donating $1 billion to solar power research. Bitch, please. Just wait till your cheap ass drives by a BP station that’s selling unleaded for .4 cents cheaper than those Shell assholes across the street. You’ll be telling all your dumbfuck Facebook friends that you found a cheaper gas station while filling up your tank like a little two-timing, boycott-betraying whore. Yeah, nice boycott, asshole! You’ll actually be MAKING us more money!

Oh wait, what was that again? That you’re really serious about this and you’re going to stop driving gas-powered cars? Oooooooooooo! Well, why don’t you go buy yourself an ELECTRICAL CAR? You know, the ones we’ve been keeping off the market for decades because we’ve still got trillions to fleece off you little fucks with smog-happy, gas-powered clunkers? Oh wait, wait, better yet, go on and buy yourself that solar-powered car, tough guy. You know, the one that DOESN’T EXIST? Yeah, we’ll see you at the Hummer dealership, asswipe.

Oh, sorry, we didn’t hear that last part because we were too busy laughing. You say you’re going to start riding a bike around? Uh-huh. See how that goes the first time you take a 15-minute bike ride to the local supermarket, tubby. You’ll be crawling back into your 14-mpg SUV faster than you can say “double bacon cheeseburger with beer-battered onion rings and a large vanilla shake with hot fudge and a side of congealed pig vomit,” bitch. While you’re at it, why don’t you drive over to the storage unit to drop off that treadmill you stopped using three weeks after you bought it?

So yeah, BP takes this oil spill seriously, cos that’s next month’s fleet of Learjets that’s spilling into the gulf right now. No worries, though, cos we’ll get it all back thanks to you. Now why don’t you stop looking so horrified and indignant and go back to playing bingo on Facebook or something? See you at the gas pump, loser!

BP: you need our gas, so shut the fuck up and go fuck yourself.

[Heartwarming music fades out]

What the “Got Milk” tagline almost was!

The Marketing Research Department of Senseless Solutions uncovered another secret memo, this one from Goodby Silverstein & Partners, the ad agency that came up with the super-successful and oft-imitated “Got Milk” slogan for the California Milk Processor Board. These are never-seen-before slogans they were considering, and comments from their executive leadership!

--
Dear Team:
This has been a challenging project, so kudos to you for working so hard and coming up with some great slogans for the milk people. See below for our comments:

Milk: it’s good for you – True, but bland. Next thing you know, we’ll be saying speed kills, sex is bad, and the Oakland Raiders suck.

Just like the stuff you sucked from your mom’s breasts, only tastier – While I’m glad Glen followed our suggestion and switched out the word ‘boobies’ for ‘breasts’, I thought we already said this is too disgusting and wrong.


25% of the world’s (mostly Northern European) population can’t be wrong! – We’re trying to get people to drink milk! And sharing the fact that 75% of the world is lactose intolerant isn't going to help us do that, is it? You didn’t see the Soylent Green people announcing their secret ingredient to the world, did you?

If you drink milk, Renee Zellweger will like you! – Okay, I think I’m done with that Senseless Solutions consultant. Tell him to take a hike.

Mi.I.Go.F.Yo.Bo. – I know we said we wanted a nice, concise, sharp, to-the-point slogan, but this is just cryptic. It’s either saying Milk Is Good For Your Bones, or Mike Is Gonna F*** Your Booty.

Milk: It won’t rot your teeth like that crap those Coke and Pepsi bastards produce. – This might work, except for the fact that we’re doing some ads for Coke and Pepsi next week. Scratch it.

Milk: It’s white, so you know it’s good. – I don’t think I’m being too PC when I say that this could land us in some trouble.

If Lincoln had drank milk to strengthen his bones and skull, he’d still be alive today. – I can’t even begin to count the number of things that are factually and morally wrong with this one.

Milk. Whatever. Eat me. – I take it John is still disgruntled? On an unrelated note, we need to let go of some people next week.

Tiger Woods drinks milk. It’s why he’s a perfect human being. – This could work! I mean, Tiger Woods is pure, wants to be white, and wholesome! He's a role model whom kids and faithful husbands could look up to and emulate! Put this one down as one of the finalists!

Milk: Because corn flakes don’t taste as good with whiskey. – Like I said, we need to let go of some people next week…

Milk: it’s nature’s semen (and we mean that non-profanely) – Oh dear god, I don’t even know what to say about this. The slogan is bad enough. But the art you guys came up with for this is outright disturbing.

Do you, kind sir, happen to have in your possession some milk, which, by all accounts, is a hearty, viable, bone-strengthening drink that, though naturally unpleasant for 75% of the world’s population, which is lactose intolerant, is still great, especially with coffee, a donut, cereal, or some strawberry Quik, or should I run to the store so that I may, in the end, be in possession myself of this fine natural concoction we know as milk and be ready to answer in the affirmative should anyone approach me and ask if I have got any milk in my possession? – Call me crazy, but I think this could work if we could find a way of dramatically shortening this. If we could distill this to two or three words, what would it be?

Strawberry Quik? – Wrong two words.

Leveled up in Farmville or Mafia Wars? Tell your friends…the permanent way.

Tired of your friends blocking your minute-by-minute Farmville and Mafia Wars updates? Do you feel your friends just aren’t getting the importance of your recent leveling up? Do you feel slighted that all your green sheep and drug shipment gifts are being ignored by your ingrate friends?

Share your successes and gifts with them all—whether they like it or not.

At Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services, we specialize in promoting every single one of your Farmville and Mafia Wars achievement. Our method is simple: we’ll personally share your achievements with your friends—at home, at work, in the bathroom, during sex, and anywhere else they think they’re safe. Whether you’ve just become a Level 24 Farmer or a Master Enforcer, whether you’ve just planted a new crop of soy beans or taken out a rival mafia crew, whether you want to give the gift of a lima-bean-producing cow or a Christmas-themed Tommy Gun, Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services will spread the word. Everywhere and to everyone.

Here’s how it works:

1. A dedicated team of Intrusive Promotion Specialists (IPS) will stalk each and every one of your friends.
2. When you have a Farmville or Mafia Wars announcement, they’ll go right up to your friends and share it. (*For a small additional cost, our specialists will use a bullhorn, a marching band, or a pyrotechnics show to really get their attention.)
3. When you have a Farmville or Mafia Wars gift to give, our team will make sure they accept it—even if it means literally dropping a Magic Donkey or a Tiger Tank at a friend’s door.

And it doesn’t stop there! To ensure your friends know how important and relevant your updates are, our IPS units will follow your friends around and repeat your announcements as often and as loudly as necessary throughout the day. In addition, a non-stop stream of unblockable e-mail and phone updates will be sent straight to their home, work, and emergency e-mails and phone numbers.

Just imagine! All your friends knowing about each and every one of your updates, no matter where they are or how hard they try to block you!

• Did your friend jump in the shower? Well, they can’t very well block an IPS team bursting into the bathroom to holler that you’re now a Master Thief, can they?
• Did your friend leave the country in the hopes of getting away from you? Our International IPS Division operates in every country and territory—even the ones you don’t know about!
• Did your friend put out a restraining order against you? No problem! Specialized Blimp IPS units will hover safely and legally above your friend’s home, workplace, and psychiatrist’s office, announcing that you’ve just harvested your newest batch of green beans!
• Has your friend flipped out and decided to kill you once and for all? Piece of cake! For an additional fee, our Postmortem IPS units will continue to remind your friend that you died a Skilled Underboss months after your untimely death!

Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services is ready to take your gaming and your announcements to the next level. Call today, and start telling your friends about every single one of your Farmville and Mafia Wars achievements—permanently!

Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services – Promoting your gaming achievements and not the fact that you don’t have a life

Instant acquittals for any crime—guaranteed! (As seen on TV)

Have you committed a terrible crime? Are you being charged for drug possession, sexual assault, or murder? Thinking of hiring a lawyer to help you avoid prison and land a cushy 2-week probation period? Don’t! Get out of trouble the same way celebrities and Pittsburgh Steelers do with Instant Celebrity Implementation and Legal Circumvention Services!

At ICILCS, we help you rise above the law by transforming you into a celebrity or sports star overnight! Why bother going through the legal process like any regular Joe who can actually be locked up for life or even executed? Get the legal protection and immunity enjoyed by all your favorite stars and thumb your nose at the legal system!

With ICILCS, you’ll have the star power to get away with murder—literally! Here’s how it works:

1. Give us a call and tell us what you’re being accused of (e.g., drug possession, drug trafficking, sexual assault, murder, mass killing spree). Don’t worry, we won’t judge you!
2. Within 24 hours, our creative specialists will have media packets, talk-show interviews, sports highlights (if applicable), your own sports drink, and even your own cell phone ad created and disseminated throughout the world.
3. With your instant celebrity status achieved, you can hire out any of the industry’s best celebrity lawyers who specialize in high-profile clients.
4. Watch in amazement as all charges are dropped, all evidence vanishes, and all witnesses are discredited and humiliated!
5. Finally, our Tearful Apologies Team will craft a five-minute apology for your ensuing press conference, and teach you how to muster the most convincing crocodile tears to ensure you also win in the court of public opinion.

Best of all, for the duration of your legal circumvention process, you can be any celebrity you want! Want to be a Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback? No problem! How about a point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers? Sure thing! You’ll be the best—and get the best from the legal system!

ICILCS is the fastest way of getting out of any legal trouble—guaranteed! Forget the traditional, peasant’s legal process and rise above the law today! Call now and get a free “Slap on the Wrist” Card for use with your next minor misdemeanor (e.g., DUI, vehicular manslaughter)!

Instant Celebrity Implementation and Legal Circumvention Services – Bringing the Power and Immunity of Celebrity Stardom to the Little People

A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Five

From: Vice President of Marketing, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: The final approved version of the new biohazard symbol

Like, yo, yo, yo! Wazzup?

So, okay, I know you guys worked really hard on this biohazard redesign project, and I know I said that your last version was TOP NOTCH. Tell your team SIMPLY AWESOME AND INCOMPARABLE JOB on all their hard work and for getting this done! You guys really hit the mark over and over and over again!

But, okay, remember how I said that Scott was going to take a stab at it? Well, we’re going with his version, which we all think is incredible and totally innovative and it’s totally what we see winning that federal contract for us.

The thing is, the final version you submitted was too busy, and there was just too much going on. The messaging just wasn’t on target, and we felt that the whole “this is bad for you” messaging was going to scare off prospective consumers. Well, the short of it is, your final draft just didn’t capture the essence of what we were trying to accomplish with this radical new redesign.

Scott’s draft is amazing. See for yourself.
This is a lot cleaner, but it’s a lot edgier and the R-bulb really softens this and makes those pointy things look un-Satanic. The absence of an attractive male keeps my sexual conflict at bay, and the purity and beauty of Renee Zellweger really drives home the point that biohazardous stuff is best avoided—and doing so can lead to great rewards. Like bling and babes. Which is the point of the “Bling” word, which everyone will be able to infer all this proper meaning from.

Scott feels that this version really speaks to the key demographic (young, male, frivolous) we want to reach, and because he’s executive vice president of domestic operations, we all think he is a genius. A real genius. He makes Einstein look like my stupid teenage son. In fact, compared to him, we are all pathetic, impotent wastes of oxygen, and we can all try to emulate Scott’s god-like genius in the future. That means your department.

So congratulations on wrapping this project up! Tell everyone that they did a MIRACLE SUPER DUPER JOB ALMOST AS GOOD AS SCOTT (but obviously not quite), and that they all deserve raises (if only our budget allowed it after executive bonuses). And tell them I can’t wait to see what you guys come up with on that Going Green project!

I’m off tomorrow to go to Washington to make the main presentation. We’re all certain this redesign is going to win us that federal contract and help us get closer to that second slot!

Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
“Dedicated to becoming the second most inept creative agency.”

THE END

Miss any parts?
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part One
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Two
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Three
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Four

A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Four

From: Vice President of Marketing, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: Feedback for final version of Biohazard redesign

Yo!

Thanks to you and your team for all your super hard work in getting this biohazard redesign project finalized! We’re so thrilled that you’ve worked so hard at incorporating our changes into a design that I’m CERTAIN will win us that account with the federal government! Scott really thought this final version hit the mark across the board. So tell your team SUPER FANTASTIC JOB!

Okay, so we all loved this final draft, but we’ve got just a few more changes we’re considering.

The good thing is that this version really hits the target demographic we want, because we all know that there’s no one quite as gullible as young skateboarders. The problem is that this kid looks a bit unkempt, and maybe a bit of a troublemaker. I see this kid, and I bet he’s the kind of dumbass who thinks shopping for stuff is something only popular kids and sellouts do. Something tells me this kid is going to be a nihilist or a Unabomber or something really dangerous when he grows up, and that’s not the image we want to associate with biohazardous materials. So if you can switch out the image to a guy who’s a bit less dangerous-looking and maybe a little more effeminate, we should be good to go. (But not too effeminate, please. You know what that’ll lead to.)

We absolutely LOVE the messaging here! Man, that’s some hip, rad stuff you guys laid thick here, and it’s totally in my face! I love it! The only problem is that the main message—that biohazardous stuff is dangerous—is too prominent here, and I don’t know where that is, but it’s not in my face. Have the copywriters take out that Debbie Downer stuff. We’re trying to win a contract here, not perform a public service.

Scott is glad you guys incorporated the sex-sells approach he’s been clamoring for, but he’s wondering if that black woman (what’s her name? Bounce? Booyah? Beeyatch?) is the babe we should feature in that callout. Is she even considered sexy? Scott says that he thinks Renee Zellweger is a lot sexier, so use her instead. Personally, I think that Rene Russo would be better (I LOVED her in Rocky and Bullwinkle), but Scott was pretty adamant about using Zellweger.

One more thing. While it’s fantastic that you guys found a way to incorporate all our changes and suggestions, Scott thinks this is a bit too busy. He may take a stab at doing his own version, so don’t be surprised if this final draft ends up not being in our main presentation to the government folks next week.

Other than that, SUPER FANTASTIC JOB! You and your team are really nailed this, so now that we’re wrapping up, you can start giving us some samples of our new Going Green campaign.

Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
“Dedicated to becoming the second most inept creative agency.”

Does your public image need to be roundhouse-kicked in the face?

When people hear your name, do they yawn? Do they go, “Who?” Do they snicker and berate your manhood/womanhood/mulehood? Then maybe it’s time you brought in the best person alive to snap-kick your existing image in the face and turn you into a living legend overnight!

The Chuck Norris Public Relations Firm is the number one public relations firm ever devised by a living entity. Founded by the man who counted to infinity twice and who ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King—and got one—the Chuck Norris Public Relations Firm guarantees a swift side kick to your lackluster public image and get you the kind of respect Chuck Norris gets (almost).

Whether you’re an actor trying to land that next big leading role, an administrative assistant who’s tired of your incompetent boss, or a merry-go-round operator who’s decided that things just got personal, the Chuck Norris Public Relations Firm can turn you into the fearsome badass who’ll strike mortal fear into all your enemies, friends, and loved ones.

Imagine the power of Chuck Norris working for you! What will people say about you?

• It takes [your name] 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
• [Your name] CAN believe it’s not butter.
• [Your name] does not sleep. He/she/it waits.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for [your name].
• [Your name] can make women/men/Donkey Kong climax by simply pointing at them and saying “Booyah.”

Don’t spend another day as a nobody. Harness the power of the man who played Russian Roulette with a loaded gun and won, and roundhouse-kick your insignificant existence in the teeth today!

The Chuck Norris Public Relations Firm: Because Chuck Norris Makes Everything, Even Death, Better