A sneak peek at BP’s next marketing campaign!

The Marketing Research Department of Senseless Solutions has uncovered this upcoming marketing campaign from BP!

[Heartwarming music begins to play]
At BP, we take our responsibilities to our planet seriously. We’re as committed to the environment as the next mega oil company, and have poured millions of dollars into marketing to tell you so. The recent tragedy in the Gulf of Mexico is as important to us as it is to lawmakers and citizens alike.

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill is truly a tragedy of catastrophic proportion. It will affect our bottom line, as millions upon millions of dollars will be lost—at least until we jack up gas prices in the third quarter and recover our losses and probably make a tidy profit too. In the meantime, we’d like to remind you, the concerned consumer, that BP is doing everything possible to earn your trust.

Yeah right.

Okay, babe, let’s get serious for one second. Yeah, we hear you bitching non-stop about how our reckless offshore drilling and total disregard for the environment has led to this disaster. Hell, a bunch of deaf old farts could hear you tree hugging little bitches, the way you’re, like, “Oh, boo hoo, the big bad oil company is raping our environment again, boo hoo, I’m a little bitch!” But you know what? We honestly don’t give a shit.

Sure, we’ll tell the morons you elected into office that we’re, like, so sorry. But want to know the truth? You know, aside from the fact that those same politicians are later giving us hand jobs in our penthouse suites? The truth is we’re actually happy this happened! Cos this means there’s going to be less gas available this summer, and you know what that means! Supply and demand, baby, supply and demand! Or what you dumbfucks call $5-a-gallon gasoline.

Oh wait, what’s that? You’re going to boycott us? You’re going to stop buying gas from BP stations? Oooooo!!! Give us a second while we shit our pants in fear…or from laughing so fuckin’ hard. Okay, seriously, you’re going to boycott us? Uh-huh. And we’re, like, donating $1 billion to solar power research. Bitch, please. Just wait till your cheap ass drives by a BP station that’s selling unleaded for .4 cents cheaper than those Shell assholes across the street. You’ll be telling all your dumbfuck Facebook friends that you found a cheaper gas station while filling up your tank like a little two-timing, boycott-betraying whore. Yeah, nice boycott, asshole! You’ll actually be MAKING us more money!

Oh wait, what was that again? That you’re really serious about this and you’re going to stop driving gas-powered cars? Oooooooooooo! Well, why don’t you go buy yourself an ELECTRICAL CAR? You know, the ones we’ve been keeping off the market for decades because we’ve still got trillions to fleece off you little fucks with smog-happy, gas-powered clunkers? Oh wait, wait, better yet, go on and buy yourself that solar-powered car, tough guy. You know, the one that DOESN’T EXIST? Yeah, we’ll see you at the Hummer dealership, asswipe.

Oh, sorry, we didn’t hear that last part because we were too busy laughing. You say you’re going to start riding a bike around? Uh-huh. See how that goes the first time you take a 15-minute bike ride to the local supermarket, tubby. You’ll be crawling back into your 14-mpg SUV faster than you can say “double bacon cheeseburger with beer-battered onion rings and a large vanilla shake with hot fudge and a side of congealed pig vomit,” bitch. While you’re at it, why don’t you drive over to the storage unit to drop off that treadmill you stopped using three weeks after you bought it?

So yeah, BP takes this oil spill seriously, cos that’s next month’s fleet of Learjets that’s spilling into the gulf right now. No worries, though, cos we’ll get it all back thanks to you. Now why don’t you stop looking so horrified and indignant and go back to playing bingo on Facebook or something? See you at the gas pump, loser!

BP: you need our gas, so shut the fuck up and go fuck yourself.

[Heartwarming music fades out]

What the “Got Milk” tagline almost was!

The Marketing Research Department of Senseless Solutions uncovered another secret memo, this one from Goodby Silverstein & Partners, the ad agency that came up with the super-successful and oft-imitated “Got Milk” slogan for the California Milk Processor Board. These are never-seen-before slogans they were considering, and comments from their executive leadership!

--
Dear Team:
This has been a challenging project, so kudos to you for working so hard and coming up with some great slogans for the milk people. See below for our comments:

Milk: it’s good for you – True, but bland. Next thing you know, we’ll be saying speed kills, sex is bad, and the Oakland Raiders suck.

Just like the stuff you sucked from your mom’s breasts, only tastier – While I’m glad Glen followed our suggestion and switched out the word ‘boobies’ for ‘breasts’, I thought we already said this is too disgusting and wrong.


25% of the world’s (mostly Northern European) population can’t be wrong! – We’re trying to get people to drink milk! And sharing the fact that 75% of the world is lactose intolerant isn't going to help us do that, is it? You didn’t see the Soylent Green people announcing their secret ingredient to the world, did you?

If you drink milk, Renee Zellweger will like you! – Okay, I think I’m done with that Senseless Solutions consultant. Tell him to take a hike.

Mi.I.Go.F.Yo.Bo. – I know we said we wanted a nice, concise, sharp, to-the-point slogan, but this is just cryptic. It’s either saying Milk Is Good For Your Bones, or Mike Is Gonna F*** Your Booty.

Milk: It won’t rot your teeth like that crap those Coke and Pepsi bastards produce. – This might work, except for the fact that we’re doing some ads for Coke and Pepsi next week. Scratch it.

Milk: It’s white, so you know it’s good. – I don’t think I’m being too PC when I say that this could land us in some trouble.

If Lincoln had drank milk to strengthen his bones and skull, he’d still be alive today. – I can’t even begin to count the number of things that are factually and morally wrong with this one.

Milk. Whatever. Eat me. – I take it John is still disgruntled? On an unrelated note, we need to let go of some people next week.

Tiger Woods drinks milk. It’s why he’s a perfect human being. – This could work! I mean, Tiger Woods is pure, wants to be white, and wholesome! He's a role model whom kids and faithful husbands could look up to and emulate! Put this one down as one of the finalists!

Milk: Because corn flakes don’t taste as good with whiskey. – Like I said, we need to let go of some people next week…

Milk: it’s nature’s semen (and we mean that non-profanely) – Oh dear god, I don’t even know what to say about this. The slogan is bad enough. But the art you guys came up with for this is outright disturbing.

Do you, kind sir, happen to have in your possession some milk, which, by all accounts, is a hearty, viable, bone-strengthening drink that, though naturally unpleasant for 75% of the world’s population, which is lactose intolerant, is still great, especially with coffee, a donut, cereal, or some strawberry Quik, or should I run to the store so that I may, in the end, be in possession myself of this fine natural concoction we know as milk and be ready to answer in the affirmative should anyone approach me and ask if I have got any milk in my possession? – Call me crazy, but I think this could work if we could find a way of dramatically shortening this. If we could distill this to two or three words, what would it be?

Strawberry Quik? – Wrong two words.

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A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Five

From: Vice President of Marketing, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: The final approved version of the new biohazard symbol

Like, yo, yo, yo! Wazzup?

So, okay, I know you guys worked really hard on this biohazard redesign project, and I know I said that your last version was TOP NOTCH. Tell your team SIMPLY AWESOME AND INCOMPARABLE JOB on all their hard work and for getting this done! You guys really hit the mark over and over and over again!

But, okay, remember how I said that Scott was going to take a stab at it? Well, we’re going with his version, which we all think is incredible and totally innovative and it’s totally what we see winning that federal contract for us.

The thing is, the final version you submitted was too busy, and there was just too much going on. The messaging just wasn’t on target, and we felt that the whole “this is bad for you” messaging was going to scare off prospective consumers. Well, the short of it is, your final draft just didn’t capture the essence of what we were trying to accomplish with this radical new redesign.

Scott’s draft is amazing. See for yourself.
This is a lot cleaner, but it’s a lot edgier and the R-bulb really softens this and makes those pointy things look un-Satanic. The absence of an attractive male keeps my sexual conflict at bay, and the purity and beauty of Renee Zellweger really drives home the point that biohazardous stuff is best avoided—and doing so can lead to great rewards. Like bling and babes. Which is the point of the “Bling” word, which everyone will be able to infer all this proper meaning from.

Scott feels that this version really speaks to the key demographic (young, male, frivolous) we want to reach, and because he’s executive vice president of domestic operations, we all think he is a genius. A real genius. He makes Einstein look like my stupid teenage son. In fact, compared to him, we are all pathetic, impotent wastes of oxygen, and we can all try to emulate Scott’s god-like genius in the future. That means your department.

So congratulations on wrapping this project up! Tell everyone that they did a MIRACLE SUPER DUPER JOB ALMOST AS GOOD AS SCOTT (but obviously not quite), and that they all deserve raises (if only our budget allowed it after executive bonuses). And tell them I can’t wait to see what you guys come up with on that Going Green project!

I’m off tomorrow to go to Washington to make the main presentation. We’re all certain this redesign is going to win us that federal contract and help us get closer to that second slot!

Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
“Dedicated to becoming the second most inept creative agency.”

THE END

Miss any parts?
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part One
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Two
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Three
Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Four

A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Four

From: Vice President of Marketing, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: Feedback for final version of Biohazard redesign

Yo!

Thanks to you and your team for all your super hard work in getting this biohazard redesign project finalized! We’re so thrilled that you’ve worked so hard at incorporating our changes into a design that I’m CERTAIN will win us that account with the federal government! Scott really thought this final version hit the mark across the board. So tell your team SUPER FANTASTIC JOB!

Okay, so we all loved this final draft, but we’ve got just a few more changes we’re considering.

The good thing is that this version really hits the target demographic we want, because we all know that there’s no one quite as gullible as young skateboarders. The problem is that this kid looks a bit unkempt, and maybe a bit of a troublemaker. I see this kid, and I bet he’s the kind of dumbass who thinks shopping for stuff is something only popular kids and sellouts do. Something tells me this kid is going to be a nihilist or a Unabomber or something really dangerous when he grows up, and that’s not the image we want to associate with biohazardous materials. So if you can switch out the image to a guy who’s a bit less dangerous-looking and maybe a little more effeminate, we should be good to go. (But not too effeminate, please. You know what that’ll lead to.)

We absolutely LOVE the messaging here! Man, that’s some hip, rad stuff you guys laid thick here, and it’s totally in my face! I love it! The only problem is that the main message—that biohazardous stuff is dangerous—is too prominent here, and I don’t know where that is, but it’s not in my face. Have the copywriters take out that Debbie Downer stuff. We’re trying to win a contract here, not perform a public service.

Scott is glad you guys incorporated the sex-sells approach he’s been clamoring for, but he’s wondering if that black woman (what’s her name? Bounce? Booyah? Beeyatch?) is the babe we should feature in that callout. Is she even considered sexy? Scott says that he thinks Renee Zellweger is a lot sexier, so use her instead. Personally, I think that Rene Russo would be better (I LOVED her in Rocky and Bullwinkle), but Scott was pretty adamant about using Zellweger.

One more thing. While it’s fantastic that you guys found a way to incorporate all our changes and suggestions, Scott thinks this is a bit too busy. He may take a stab at doing his own version, so don’t be surprised if this final draft ends up not being in our main presentation to the government folks next week.

Other than that, SUPER FANTASTIC JOB! You and your team are really nailed this, so now that we’re wrapping up, you can start giving us some samples of our new Going Green campaign.

Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
“Dedicated to becoming the second most inept creative agency.”

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Ever wonder what Best Buy® was almost named?

The Marketing Research Department of Senseless Solutions uncovered this secret memo from the Marketing Department of Best Buy®! These are never-seen-before names they were considering for their stores, and comments from their executive leadership!

---

Dear Team:
Thanks for your hard work on developing these names for our soon-to-be-open-for-business big-box electronics store. We’ve reviewed these finalists. See below for comments.

Decent Buy – Not sure that this is strong enough, and sounds slightly Puritanical.

Promising Purchase – Not sure the acronym is going to be all that helpful to us.

Super House of Incomparable Technology – Yeah, speaking of acronym awareness…

Only Dumbasses Shop Elsewhere – I know we wanted edgy, but insulting the customer is too edgy.

Electronics At the Best Prices, No Matter What Those A-holes at ABC Warehouse Say – Not catchy enough, and won’t fit into the yellow tag logo we’ve already decided on.

Machiavellian Electronics Supplier Driving Smaller Stores Out of Business – Fire whoever came up with this immediately.

Soaring Pastures of Digital Lament – For the last time, tell John to not bring his problems or his Walt Whitman/James Joyce crap to the workplace.

All Nude Electronics Review – For the last time, tell Mike that we’ve moved away from the sex-sells approach after that digital camera fiasco.

You’re Not Getting As Good a Buy As You Think Thanks to Our Conniving Markup Strategy – For the last time, tell Mary that the truth-in-our-advertising memo was an April Fool’s joke.

Big Store with TVs and Stuff – Let me guess. This came from that consultant, the same one who suggested, “Big Building With Lots of DVDs and Stuff.” Right?

Like a Supermarket, But With CDs and Stuff - How much are we paying this consultant again?

Good Buy – Sounds too much like ‘good bye’, which might drive customers away from the store, which would be bad for our first quarter earnings report.

Better Buy – We’re getting close. Is there any way we can ratchet this one up?

Crappy Buy – Okay, see, this just isn’t going to work.

The Hottest Copywriting Prospect in Years

(And now, for a little bit of shameless self-promotion... ^_^)

Next on ESPN (Employment Services and Professional Network), we discuss this year’s crop of available copywriters and communications experts, and Nel Kyper Jr. breaks down this year’s hottest prospect!

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A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Three

From: Vice President of Marketing, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: Biohazard Project Concept Feedback for New Draft

Hey,

Thanks to you and your team for getting this next draft done so quickly. Scott really felt that this next draft for the biohazard project hit the mark. Tell your team AWESOME JOB!

Okay, so we all loved this new draft, but we’ve got a couple of changes we’d like for you to make.
This is definitely the least Satanic and hippest version, and that’s great, even though the guy in the picture is kind of hot and made me a little less comfortable with my heterosexuality, which could be a problem. But besides that, we felt that this guy is a bit on the meterosexual side, and we were thinking this might not appeal to our target audience of industrial workers. So maybe we need a guy who’s a little more rugged or blue-collar to get this message across.

Also, we’re a bit concerned that we’re not going to draw in the best demographics with this version. As you know, the ideal demographic to draw in are younger Generation Y, Z, and Facebook crowds, and this draft just isn’t hitting the mark for them. Maybe we need to go with a hipper messaging style to get across to them?

We’re also not crazy about the font you used. It’s bold, but it’s also a bit on the science fiction side of things, and we all know that science fiction is for nerds, which isn’t the demo we want to hit. Can you use a different font that’s bolder, edgier, hipper, and more conservative than this one? Also, something that stands out to racing enthusiasts would be terrific.

Speaking of which, we also think the message itself is a bit off. While we appreciate what the copywriters tried doing here, we feel the main message is getting lost somehow. After all, would this poster make you want to avoid biohazardous materials? That’s right, it would, but we also want the user to feel like we’ve connected with them to the point that they’d want to be our friend on Facebook. Any chance you can tighten the messaging so that users will immediately go to Facebook and become fans of our page?

Oh, and Scott was a bit displeased that this still doesn’t have sex appeal. Can you add more sex appeal? Heterosexual sex appeal, by the way, because like I said, this guy is too hot for my tastes, and I really don’t want to feel conflicted about my sexuality again.

Other than that, AWESOME JOB! You and your team are really nailing this, and I can’t wait to see what you guys do with our upcoming Going Green intiative!

Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
“Dedicated to becoming the second most inept creative agency.”

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A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Two

From: Vice President of Marketing, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: Biohazard Project Concept Feedback

Hello,

I got feedback from the rest of the executive leaders regarding this project, and we’re generally pleased with this concept. Scott felt this is a much more benign and less Satanic version of the biohazard symbol. Tell your team GREAT JOB!
But when we were looking at this, a couple of us thought that it’s too girly, which would make the company look gay, and we can’t have that (by the way, great job on the “Diversity is Awesome” ads you guys just completed). So if you can make this a little more masculine and less fruity, that would be great.

Also, we were thinking that this isn’t edgy enough. The wings kind of date this and make the company seem like a fairy, and we can’t have that. So if you could maybe make it edgier so that younger non-gay males find this powerful, that would be great. Make it really in-your-face…but not gay in-your-face because that would really make me squeamish.

Oh, and try to make it bolder. The old logo was too wimpy, and I think this one kind of is too. We want something that’s really bold and edgy and sharp. But not too sharp because it might look too Satanic again.

And, oh, try to add some sex appeal. Like I said, this is too girly, but if you can make it a little sexy so that the biohazard symbol attracts the female demographic, that would be great.

Other than that, GREAT JOB! And can’t wait to see your concepts for the company’s new tagline!

Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
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A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part One

From: Creative Director, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Team, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Re: Biohazard Project

Dear team,
I just got the go-ahead from executive leadership on the biohazard initiative. As you all know, we’re trying to win a government contract by offering to redesign the biohazard symbol.
Here are some of the things our regional executives say about the current logo.

• Seems too ominous
• The pointy things remind me of devil horns, maybe make something less Satanic
• Could be friendlier to appeal to a broader demographic
• Needs to be more edgy and more conservative

Moving forward, keep these things in mind as we work to redesign the symbol. Please have concepts to me by the end of the week. The garlic breath mint project is on the shelf for now.

Any questions, please call me or the EAP, preferably the EAP.

Sincerely,
Creative Director

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