The Marketing Research Department of Senseless Solutions uncovered another secret memo, this one from Goodby Silverstein & Partners, the ad agency that came up with the super-successful and oft-imitated “Got Milk” slogan for the California Milk Processor Board. These are never-seen-before slogans they were considering, and comments from their executive leadership!
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Dear Team:
This has been a challenging project, so kudos to you for working so hard and coming up with some great slogans for the milk people. See below for our comments:
Milk: it’s good for you – True, but bland. Next thing you know, we’ll be saying speed kills, sex is bad, and the Oakland Raiders suck.
Just like the stuff you sucked from your mom’s breasts, only tastier – While I’m glad Glen followed our suggestion and switched out the word ‘boobies’ for ‘breasts’, I thought we already said this is too disgusting and wrong.
25% of the world’s (mostly Northern European) population can’t be wrong! – We’re trying to get people to drink milk! And sharing the fact that 75% of the world is lactose intolerant isn't going to help us do that, is it? You didn’t see the Soylent Green people announcing their secret ingredient to the world, did you?
If you drink milk, Renee Zellweger will like you! – Okay, I think I’m done with that Senseless Solutions consultant. Tell him to take a hike.
Mi.I.Go.F.Yo.Bo. – I know we said we wanted a nice, concise, sharp, to-the-point slogan, but this is just cryptic. It’s either saying Milk Is Good For Your Bones, or Mike Is Gonna F*** Your Booty.
Milk: It won’t rot your teeth like that crap those Coke and Pepsi bastards produce. – This might work, except for the fact that we’re doing some ads for Coke and Pepsi next week. Scratch it.
Milk: It’s white, so you know it’s good. – I don’t think I’m being too PC when I say that this could land us in some trouble.
If Lincoln had drank milk to strengthen his bones and skull, he’d still be alive today. – I can’t even begin to count the number of things that are factually and morally wrong with this one.
Milk. Whatever. Eat me. – I take it John is still disgruntled? On an unrelated note, we need to let go of some people next week.
Tiger Woods drinks milk. It’s why he’s a perfect human being. – This could work! I mean, Tiger Woods is pure, wants to be white, and wholesome! He's a role model whom kids and faithful husbands could look up to and emulate! Put this one down as one of the finalists!
Milk: Because corn flakes don’t taste as good with whiskey. – Like I said, we need to let go of some people next week…
Milk: it’s nature’s semen (and we mean that non-profanely) – Oh dear god, I don’t even know what to say about this. The slogan is bad enough. But the art you guys came up with for this is outright disturbing.
Do you, kind sir, happen to have in your possession some milk, which, by all accounts, is a hearty, viable, bone-strengthening drink that, though naturally unpleasant for 75% of the world’s population, which is lactose intolerant, is still great, especially with coffee, a donut, cereal, or some strawberry Quik, or should I run to the store so that I may, in the end, be in possession myself of this fine natural concoction we know as milk and be ready to answer in the affirmative should anyone approach me and ask if I have got any milk in my possession? – Call me crazy, but I think this could work if we could find a way of dramatically shortening this. If we could distill this to two or three words, what would it be?
Strawberry Quik? – Wrong two words.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Leveled up in Farmville or Mafia Wars? Tell your friends…the permanent way.
Tired of your friends blocking your minute-by-minute Farmville and Mafia Wars updates? Do you feel your friends just aren’t getting the importance of your recent leveling up? Do you feel slighted that all your green sheep and drug shipment gifts are being ignored by your ingrate friends?
Share your successes and gifts with them all—whether they like it or not.
At Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services, we specialize in promoting every single one of your Farmville and Mafia Wars achievement. Our method is simple: we’ll personally share your achievements with your friends—at home, at work, in the bathroom, during sex, and anywhere else they think they’re safe. Whether you’ve just become a Level 24 Farmer or a Master Enforcer, whether you’ve just planted a new crop of soy beans or taken out a rival mafia crew, whether you want to give the gift of a lima-bean-producing cow or a Christmas-themed Tommy Gun, Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services will spread the word. Everywhere and to everyone.
Here’s how it works:
Just imagine! All your friends knowing about each and every one of your updates, no matter where they are or how hard they try to block you!
Share your successes and gifts with them all—whether they like it or not.
At Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services, we specialize in promoting every single one of your Farmville and Mafia Wars achievement. Our method is simple: we’ll personally share your achievements with your friends—at home, at work, in the bathroom, during sex, and anywhere else they think they’re safe. Whether you’ve just become a Level 24 Farmer or a Master Enforcer, whether you’ve just planted a new crop of soy beans or taken out a rival mafia crew, whether you want to give the gift of a lima-bean-producing cow or a Christmas-themed Tommy Gun, Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services will spread the word. Everywhere and to everyone.
Here’s how it works:
- A dedicated team of Intrusive Promotion Specialists (IPS) will stalk each and every one of your friends.
- When you have a Farmville or Mafia Wars announcement, they’ll go right up to your friends and share it. (*For a small additional cost, our specialists will use a bullhorn, a marching band, or a pyrotechnics show to really get their attention.)
- When you have a Farmville or Mafia Wars gift to give, our team will make sure they accept it—even if it means literally dropping a Magic Donkey or a Tiger Tank at a friend’s door.
Just imagine! All your friends knowing about each and every one of your updates, no matter where they are or how hard they try to block you!
- Did your friend jump in the shower? Well, they can’t very well block an IPS team bursting into the bathroom to holler that you’re now a Master Thief, can they?
- Did your friend leave the country in the hopes of getting away from you? Our International IPS Division operates in every country and territory—even the ones you don’t know about!
- Did your friend put out a restraining order against you? No problem! Specialized Blimp IPS units will hover safely and legally above your friend’s home, workplace, and psychiatrist’s office, announcing that you’ve just harvested your newest batch of green beans!
- Has your friend flipped out and decided to kill you once and for all? Piece of cake! For an additional fee, our Postmortem IPS units will continue to remind your friend that you died a Skilled Underboss months after your untimely death!
Facebook Gamers Advanced Promotion Services – Promoting your gaming achievements and not the fact that you don’t have a life
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Instant acquittals for any crime—guaranteed! (As seen on TV)
Have you committed a terrible crime? Are you being charged for drug possession, sexual assault, or murder? Thinking of hiring a lawyer to help you avoid prison and land a cushy 2-week probation period? Don’t! Get out of trouble the same way celebrities and Pittsburgh Steelers do with Instant Celebrity Implementation and Legal Circumvention Services!
At ICILCS, we help you rise above the law by transforming you into a celebrity or sports star overnight! Why bother going through the legal process like any regular Joe who can actually be locked up for life or even executed? Get the legal protection and immunity enjoyed by all your favorite stars and thumb your nose at the legal system!
With ICILCS, you’ll have the star power to get away with murder—literally! Here’s how it works:
ICILCS is the fastest way of getting out of any legal trouble—guaranteed! Forget the traditional, peasant’s legal process and rise above the law today! Call now and get a free “Slap on the Wrist” Card for use with your next minor misdemeanor (e.g., DUI, vehicular manslaughter)!
At ICILCS, we help you rise above the law by transforming you into a celebrity or sports star overnight! Why bother going through the legal process like any regular Joe who can actually be locked up for life or even executed? Get the legal protection and immunity enjoyed by all your favorite stars and thumb your nose at the legal system!
With ICILCS, you’ll have the star power to get away with murder—literally! Here’s how it works:
- Give us a call and tell us what you’re being accused of (e.g., drug possession, drug trafficking, sexual assault, murder, mass killing spree). Don’t worry, we won’t judge you!
- Within 24 hours, our creative specialists will have media packets, talk-show interviews, sports highlights (if applicable), your own sports drink, and even your own cell phone ad created and disseminated throughout the world.
- With your instant celebrity status achieved, you can hire out any of the industry’s best celebrity lawyers who specialize in high-profile clients.
- Watch in amazement as all charges are dropped, all evidence vanishes, and all witnesses are discredited and humiliated!
- Finally, our Tearful Apologies Team will craft a five-minute apology for your ensuing press conference, and teach you how to muster the most convincing crocodile tears to ensure you also win in the court of public opinion.
ICILCS is the fastest way of getting out of any legal trouble—guaranteed! Forget the traditional, peasant’s legal process and rise above the law today! Call now and get a free “Slap on the Wrist” Card for use with your next minor misdemeanor (e.g., DUI, vehicular manslaughter)!
Instant Celebrity Implementation and Legal Circumvention Services – Bringing the Power and Immunity of Celebrity Stardom to the Little People
Thursday, April 1, 2010
A Senseless Solutions Initiative: Redesigning the Biohazard Symbol, Part Five
From: Vice President of Marketing, Senseless Solutions
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: The final approved version of the new biohazard symbol
Like, yo, yo, yo! Wazzup?
So, okay, I know you guys worked really hard on this biohazard redesign project, and I know I said that your last version was TOP NOTCH. Tell your team SIMPLY AWESOME AND INCOMPARABLE JOB on all their hard work and for getting this done! You guys really hit the mark over and over and over again!
But, okay, remember how I said that Scott was going to take a stab at it? Well, we’re going with his version, which we all think is incredible and totally innovative and it’s totally what we see winning that federal contract for us.
The thing is, the final version you submitted was too busy, and there was just too much going on. The messaging just wasn’t on target, and we felt that the whole “this is bad for you” messaging was going to scare off prospective consumers. Well, the short of it is, your final draft just didn’t capture the essence of what we were trying to accomplish with this radical new redesign.
Scott’s draft is amazing. See for yourself.
This is a lot cleaner, but it’s a lot edgier and the R-bulb really softens this and makes those pointy things look un-Satanic. The absence of an attractive male keeps my sexual conflict at bay, and the purity and beauty of Renee Zellweger really drives home the point that biohazardous stuff is best avoided—and doing so can lead to great rewards. Like bling and babes. Which is the point of the “Bling” word, which everyone will be able to infer all this proper meaning from.
Scott feels that this version really speaks to the key demographic (young, male, frivolous) we want to reach, and because he’s executive vice president of domestic operations, we all think he is a genius. A real genius. He makes Einstein look like my stupid teenage son. In fact, compared to him, we are all pathetic, impotent wastes of oxygen, and we can all try to emulate Scott’s god-like genius in the future. That means your department.
So congratulations on wrapping this project up! Tell everyone that they did a MIRACLE SUPER DUPER JOB ALMOST AS GOOD AS SCOTT (but obviously not quite), and that they all deserve raises (if only our budget allowed it after executive bonuses). And tell them I can’t wait to see what you guys come up with on that Going Green project!
I’m off tomorrow to go to Washington to make the main presentation. We’re all certain this redesign is going to win us that federal contract and help us get closer to that second slot!
Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
“Dedicated to becoming the second most inept creative agency.”
To: Creative Director, Department of Creative Concepts and Breath Mint Flavor Development
Subject: The final approved version of the new biohazard symbol
Like, yo, yo, yo! Wazzup?
So, okay, I know you guys worked really hard on this biohazard redesign project, and I know I said that your last version was TOP NOTCH. Tell your team SIMPLY AWESOME AND INCOMPARABLE JOB on all their hard work and for getting this done! You guys really hit the mark over and over and over again!
But, okay, remember how I said that Scott was going to take a stab at it? Well, we’re going with his version, which we all think is incredible and totally innovative and it’s totally what we see winning that federal contract for us.
The thing is, the final version you submitted was too busy, and there was just too much going on. The messaging just wasn’t on target, and we felt that the whole “this is bad for you” messaging was going to scare off prospective consumers. Well, the short of it is, your final draft just didn’t capture the essence of what we were trying to accomplish with this radical new redesign.
Scott’s draft is amazing. See for yourself.
This is a lot cleaner, but it’s a lot edgier and the R-bulb really softens this and makes those pointy things look un-Satanic. The absence of an attractive male keeps my sexual conflict at bay, and the purity and beauty of Renee Zellweger really drives home the point that biohazardous stuff is best avoided—and doing so can lead to great rewards. Like bling and babes. Which is the point of the “Bling” word, which everyone will be able to infer all this proper meaning from.Scott feels that this version really speaks to the key demographic (young, male, frivolous) we want to reach, and because he’s executive vice president of domestic operations, we all think he is a genius. A real genius. He makes Einstein look like my stupid teenage son. In fact, compared to him, we are all pathetic, impotent wastes of oxygen, and we can all try to emulate Scott’s god-like genius in the future. That means your department.
So congratulations on wrapping this project up! Tell everyone that they did a MIRACLE SUPER DUPER JOB ALMOST AS GOOD AS SCOTT (but obviously not quite), and that they all deserve raises (if only our budget allowed it after executive bonuses). And tell them I can’t wait to see what you guys come up with on that Going Green project!
I’m off tomorrow to go to Washington to make the main presentation. We’re all certain this redesign is going to win us that federal contract and help us get closer to that second slot!
Sincerely,
Vice President of Marketing
Senseless Solutions
“Dedicated to becoming the second most inept creative agency.”
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