The Marketing Research Department of Senseless Solutions uncovered another secret memo, this one from Goodby Silverstein & Partners, the ad agency that came up with the super-successful and oft-imitated “Got Milk” slogan for the California Milk Processor Board. These are never-seen-before slogans they were considering, and comments from their executive leadership!
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Dear Team:
This has been a challenging project, so kudos to you for working so hard and coming up with some great slogans for the milk people. See below for our comments:
Milk: it’s good for you – True, but bland. Next thing you know, we’ll be saying speed kills, sex is bad, and the Oakland Raiders suck.
Just like the stuff you sucked from your mom’s breasts, only tastier – While I’m glad Glen followed our suggestion and switched out the word ‘boobies’ for ‘breasts’, I thought we already said this is too disgusting and wrong.
25% of the world’s (mostly Northern European) population can’t be wrong! – We’re trying to get people to drink milk! And sharing the fact that 75% of the world is lactose intolerant isn't going to help us do that, is it? You didn’t see the Soylent Green people announcing their secret ingredient to the world, did you?
If you drink milk, Renee Zellweger will like you! – Okay, I think I’m done with that Senseless Solutions consultant. Tell him to take a hike.
Mi.I.Go.F.Yo.Bo. – I know we said we wanted a nice, concise, sharp, to-the-point slogan, but this is just cryptic. It’s either saying Milk Is Good For Your Bones, or Mike Is Gonna F*** Your Booty.
Milk: It won’t rot your teeth like that crap those Coke and Pepsi bastards produce. – This might work, except for the fact that we’re doing some ads for Coke and Pepsi next week. Scratch it.
Milk: It’s white, so you know it’s good. – I don’t think I’m being too PC when I say that this could land us in some trouble.
If Lincoln had drank milk to strengthen his bones and skull, he’d still be alive today. – I can’t even begin to count the number of things that are factually and morally wrong with this one.
Milk. Whatever. Eat me. – I take it John is still disgruntled? On an unrelated note, we need to let go of some people next week.
Tiger Woods drinks milk. It’s why he’s a perfect human being. – This could work! I mean, Tiger Woods is pure, wants to be white, and wholesome! He's a role model whom kids and faithful husbands could look up to and emulate! Put this one down as one of the finalists!
Milk: Because corn flakes don’t taste as good with whiskey. – Like I said, we need to let go of some people next week…
Milk: it’s nature’s semen (and we mean that non-profanely) – Oh dear god, I don’t even know what to say about this. The slogan is bad enough. But the art you guys came up with for this is outright disturbing.
Do you, kind sir, happen to have in your possession some milk, which, by all accounts, is a hearty, viable, bone-strengthening drink that, though naturally unpleasant for 75% of the world’s population, which is lactose intolerant, is still great, especially with coffee, a donut, cereal, or some strawberry Quik, or should I run to the store so that I may, in the end, be in possession myself of this fine natural concoction we know as milk and be ready to answer in the affirmative should anyone approach me and ask if I have got any milk in my possession? – Call me crazy, but I think this could work if we could find a way of dramatically shortening this. If we could distill this to two or three words, what would it be?
Strawberry Quik? – Wrong two words.
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