The zombies are coming. Is your home ready?

According to a study funded by the federal stimulus package, the chances of a zombie apocalypse are now greater than the chances of Congress doing something meaningful. Rampaging hordes of flesh-eating zombies will invade and destroy, consume, and digest all in their path. But is your home ready for the attack?

• Are your windows properly boarded up right now?
• Is your staircase laced with C4 explosives in case you need to isolate yourself and your family on the upper level?
• Are you well-stocked with 4000 tons of Spam and 2000 tons of Twinkies?
• Have you minimized the entry points to your house by nailing/welding your doors shut?

At Zombie Attack Prevention Services (ZAPS), we offer comprehensive, best-in-class zombie home defense consultation that can be tailored to your specific needs and sanity levels. Our zombie prevention specialists boast more than 40 years of zombie-film-watching experience, and can:

• Quickly identify the type of zombie (slow, fast, dumb, intelligent, celebrity) attacking your home and devise the appropriate strategy
• Test out the strength of your boarded windows by hurling heavy objects at them
• Help you set up multiple lines of defense throughout your home
• Share best-practices on dealing with boredom, stress, and insanity while surviving a prolonged apocalypse

The zombies are coming. Show your family you care about them by calling ZAPS today. Call now, and receive a free Monopoly board (which you will be thankful for as you enter Day 4,201 of survival).

For the more intrepid zombie survivalist, please visit Zombie Attack Mall Survival Services, and turn the local mall into your own impenetrable zombie fortress!

Zombie Attack Prevention Services: The only name in zombie apocalypse home defense.